Around 36 hours ago, I reapplied exogenous testosterone for the first time in 2 years.
I was very conflicted before doing so (read my last blog post to see why).
I feel happy with my decision to do it. I think I made the right decision – although there was a voice in the back of my head that was telling me to be patient, allow things to run their course, and not put the T back in my body.
I didn’t listen to that voice. The implications would involve a lot of suffering, and they didn’t make sense to me. So I chose not to listen to it.
Upon applying my testosterone cream, the effects set in within a number of hours.
All of my anxieties melted away, replaced instead by calmness, confidence, and sureness in myself.
My heart palpitations instantly went away. My shortness of breath disappeared.
My muscles began swelling as the full potential of blood flow and strength returned to them.
My mind’s capacities expanded – all of a sudden, I could see much farther into my own future. Almost as if someone had removed a blindfold from my cognitive power, I could once again clearly and precisely extrapolate my actions many months into the future.
I could feel what I interpret as my “magnetic charge” begin to increase. The sheer gravity of my presence around other people felt much stronger and more powerful.
I felt back in the driver’s seat of the super high powered vehicle that is my mind-body-spirit matrix. By reintroducing the testosterone to my system, I’d turned the keys in the ignition.
The engine roared to life.
I’ve been hovering in first and second gear for the past 36 hours.
Testosterone is a fascinating thing, man. Describing it with its clinical definition – as “primary male sex hormone” doesn’t do it justice. It’s the fucking foundational spiritual and molecular component to manhood.
On managing the ego’s disposition towards seeking “godhood”
One remarkable thing frequently happens when I have very high testosterone:
As I look and feel closer to my full potential, I begin seeing visions of myself in the future in what I imagine to be my “full potential,” and my ego becomes huge.
It’s something to be very cautious of.
My intentionality in testosterone usage (which I touched on in my last post) is very important. A big ego isn’t necessarily a bad thing – but when it becomes destructive, it can be a very bad thing.
I’ll write more on this in the future. Just dumping some thoughts for now.
I’m not sure I want to continue using the TRT right now. I haven’t used it in a couple days.
It seems that my body is struggling to detoxify the excess estrogen from the TRT, the thyroid meds I’m on, and my body’s own natural production. I’m feeling pretty soft and not super driven. My detoxification systems have already been super burdened the past several months, but right now they feel especially weak, and I could normally just take uridine and eat a lot more broccoli and garlic in order to take care of the estrogen (no problem), but I’m not going to do that right now because I’m trying out this carnivore diet. It seems so promising.
I am, however, going back to my doctor next week to go refill my TRT prescription. It’s always handy to have on-hand in order to jumpstart my metabolism when things get slow.
I’d rather be at my peak as naturally as possible, instead. But it is good to have on hand.